What can Parents do to stop their children from whining?
Have you ever wanted an answer to this question? If you have, you are not alone. Many parents have asked me this question.
Parents often try to stop their children’s whining by saying; “Don’t bother me now”. “Wait just a minute”. “I can’t talk to you now”. Or “I am busy; I’ll talk to you later.” My guess is, you have already tried some of these and the whining goes on and on. I am certain you would like a better answer; one that would bring the whining to a stop.
My answer is found later in this article, but before moving ahead, let’s understand two things: First; what I mean when I use the term "whining", and second; why I define persistently demanding attention, also as whining.
First, whining can be actually whining and it sounds like whining. Second, the child may persistently demand attention at a moment when the parent is fully occupied. This often happens with younger children because of their short attention span and their need to get immediate attention. Both types of whining can be handled in the same way.
Let’s look at an example of a child persistently demanding attention:
A mother is on the phone with her talkative sister-in-law.
Four year old daughter, Marcie comes in and says: “Mommy, Mommy.”
Mother: “I’ve told you to not bother me when I’m on the phone. I can’t talk to you now.”
Marcie: “Mommy, Mommy.” (As she pulls on her mother’s dress.)
Mother: “Go away. Can’t you see I’m busy?
Marcie: “But Mommy, I need to talk to you.”
Mother: “Wait just a minute; I’ll talk to you later. Go find something to do ‘til I get off of the phone.” At this point Marcie finally went to her room.
About 25 minutes later mom is off the phone and finds Marcie in her room crying.
“What’s the matter, Marcie?” her mother wanted to know.
“A boy came and stole Tippy, about a half hour ago,” Marcie blurted. “Why don’t you ever listen to me?” (True story. Incidentally Tippy, the dog, returned on her own about two weeks later)
Fast forward to a parenting class I was teaching about 15 years later. A parent asked, “What can I do so my child stops whining and needing to talk with me when I am busy?”
Remembering the phone call when the dog was stolen, I said, “In your busiest moments can you spare three seconds?”
“Yes, of course, I could stop for three seconds.” came the reply.
Here is what I recommend to stop whining: At the FIRST request from your child, STOP what you are doing. Go to the child’s eye level, look him or her in the eyes, and say, “What do you need?” Then listen with 100% of your attention for three seconds. In those three seconds you can determine how critical the need is and when you can help the child get his or her needs met. As often as not you can give an answer in one second that will meet the need.
When you first start doing this, don’t be surprised if the child can’t remember what it was that he or she wanted in the first place. Often, by the time you are irritated enough by the whining to attend to them, the child is already preprogrammed to not get your attention and they may not be ready to explain what it was they needed.
This three second procedure is effective for older children even when one of them wants something like, “can I use the car?” It even works with adults who are not accustomed to getting someone’s full attention. A fringe benefit in using this strategy is you will become a better listener and so will those around you, even your kids.
Practice this procedure in your mind so you will be prepared for the next request before it comes. I think you’ll be surprised at the time you will save and you will teach your children to listen and to “not whine."