Slow learners are everywhere but I never thought I was one of them. Until the day I was doing my usual nagging of my kids to get them to pick up after themselves. Finally in exasperation I said “HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO PICK UP YOUR THINGS!” It wasn’t really a question and I didn’t want an answer. Knowing my kids I could hear the answer. “Oh, maybe 13 or 14 more times should do.”
I stopped in my tracks and thought “I could have caught on that it was not working, the second time that I said it.” I had heard it said, “Doing the same thing over and over and expecting to get different results, is insane. Since I found myself doing that, I prefer to just call it “a slow learner”.
I have since learned that kids learn to ignore their parents when their parents tell them something they already know. When you repeat an instruction to a child you tell him something he already knows. At that point, you begin training him to ignore you. This turns out to be a double training. While you are training your child to ignore, he or she is training you to repeat your instructions louder and louder each time until you have been trained to shout. In desperation, you begin to yell and tell your child what to do which is almost always something he or she already knew. I call this, “cross” training. Both you and your child get more cross as the training progresses.
Vignette of shopping*** Shopping, appendix 1 P47
Parent “A” goes shopping.
Mindy 7, Johnny 5, and Jake 3 ½ enter the
grocery store with their mother and pick up a shopping cart. You just follow
along behind them and see what happens. They first go past the candy counter.
Mindy: “Can we buy some candy? Can we? Huh, Mom?”
Mom: “No.!” “Jake, stay by me!”
Johnny: “I want a cookie!”
Mom: “Jake, get back here! Put that candy bar back! What do you have in your pocket?”
Jake: “Nothin”.
Johnny: “Mom, can we get some cereal?”
Mom: “Mindy, will you please stop running ahead? Stay here with me! Jake, keep your hands off of things!”
Mindy: “Can we have some pop? I want some root beer!”
Mom: “Johnny! Jake! Stop that fighting! Put that apple back!”
So far, the mother has only three items in her cart, two cartons of eggs
and some sugar. As you watch you see the kids continuing to go in all
directions and Mom continues to shout verbal commands. The only difference is that the commands have become threats, the kids continue to ignore their parent and respond with more nervous energy.
Then you hear a crash that sounds like a six pack of root beer hitting
the floor. At least one can is releasing its carbonated pressure through a
rupture in the can.
You hear mother say, “STOP THAT!” as she swats Jake on the seat of
his pants. “Mindy, you watch him or you’ll all have to go to the car!”
You see Johnny reach out to grab the bottom grapefruit in a tall, well-
stacked display. You close your eyes and we mercifully pull the curtain on
this scene.
Now, let’s follow Parent “B” who is shopping in the same store with the
same kids. All the conditions are identical except for three minutes of preparation before they enter the store.
Before leaving the car, mother sets each child up for success. I.e.;
Mother: “Kids, I need your help today. Can you help me?” (They agree to do so.) “Mindy, can you find some pickles and cereal and check the price of the cereal?”
Mindy agrees to do it.
“Johnny, will you find a bottle of catsup?”
“Ok”, Johnny says.
“Jake, will you find some milk for mom?”
On the way into the store mom hears from each one what he or she will look for once they get inside.(each child now has an agenda)
Mindy: “Can we buy some candy?”
Mother: “Is it on our list?”
Mindy: “No.”
Mother: “Mindy, have you found the price of the cereal?”
Mindy: “I’ll do it now.”
Mother: “Jake, have you found some milk?”
Jake: “No, not yet.”
Mother: “Keep watching, okay?
Johnny: “I see the catsup, Mom.”
Mother: “Where is it?”
Johnny: “At the end of this aisle.”
Mother: “Good, we’ll go there next. I like shopping with such good helpers.”
Jake: “I can’t find the milk, Mom!”
Mother: “I can see some from here. It isn’t up high. Where do you think it
Is”?
“Mindy, thank you for finding the pickles. By finding the pickles, you
have been a big help. I really like shopping with you. What cereal do you think would be the best for us to buy”?
Mindy: “I think Corn Flakes would be best because they cost $1.23 and they
are in a bigger box than any of the others.”
Which parent followed the set-up procedures? Which parent do you think
was enjoying the journey the most? What made the difference?