COURSE CORRECTION;
If things are not going the way you would like them to go, you can step back and make a course correction. It is hard but you can do it. You may want a course correction if your children have become contrary or defiant or if they are going against the values you have taught them.
Course corrections start with you before it can start with your child. It is natural to want your child to change since his or her mistakes are obvious to you. Here is the hard part. If you had done some things differently, you would not be in the situation you are in. Remember your mistakes are not you. You can change them. Ask for your child’s help to identify them and then to change them. Be aware that if you keep doing what you have been doing you will keep getting the same results. You, the adult, will need to change first. This will set the stage for your child to offer to make changes also.
The starting point for a course correction is a heart to heart talk. This is a scheduled talk between you and your child. You will need to make sure that the following five elements are in place; away from distractions, one to one, within 3 feet of each other, same eye level and no one is upset. In addition you must listen to know what your child is saying and feeling.
Your child will not open up if you are critical, judgmental or question the child’s motives with questions like: “What did you do that for?” Or questions that start with, “Why do you always. . . .?” These are judgmental and will put most children on the defensive.
During a heart to heart talk with your child you should express and then model your desire to change what you’ve been doing in order to make life more peaceful for your child and for you. It is a time for building trust and gaining information on which to make your course correction. It is not a time for cross examination. Change is hard. It is especially hard because you are changing a habit or the way you have been doing things. I can promise you that it will not be easy and I can promise you that it will be worth it.
I will illustrate how I would have a heart to heart talk with my 16 year old son, Braxton. When Braxton goes out with friends, he tells me he is going to the mall. He is evasive when I ask him what he is going to do. He often says, “Hang out with my friends.” While Braxton has been a good student, he seems less interested in school and grades. When I ask him about his friends or his activities he gets defensive and won’t talk.
At dinner I might say, “Braxton, We need to talk. Can you meet with me at 8:00 tonight?”
Braxton: “I won’t be here tonight.”
Parent: “We need to talk before you go back to school so we can do it at 9:30 tonight or at 7:00 in the morning. Which one will work best for you?”
Braxton: “9:30, I guess”
Parent: “I will see you in the den at 9:30 tonight then.”
In preparation for our talk, I will place two chairs in the den so that they face each other, not directly in front of each other but angling toward each other. I will remove any distractions or face the chairs away from things that may distract either of us. I will make sure the five elements (discussed above), are in place. My goal is to get the information from Braxton that I need without making him defensive.
(At 9:30 pm we begin our talk. Watch for these three things: 1. I do not criticize or judge him or his decisions. 2. I take responsibility for the strained relationship and 3. I offer to make changes in what I do to make things better for Braxton.)
Parent: “Braxton, I feel like I have not been the parent you deserve. I love you and think you deserve a better parent than I have been. I want to change and be better. Will you help me?”
Braxton: “You’ve done Okay. Maybe it is me that needs to be a better son.”
Parent: “I want you to have the best parent you can have. Will you help me change?”
Braxton: “Sure, if I can.”
Parent: “It seems to me that some things I do make it uncomfortable for you. Would you tell me the things I do that make it hard for you?”
Braxton: “I don’t know. I guess it is hard when you are always asking where I’m going and what I’m going to do because I don’t always know the answers. It makes me feel like you don’t trust me.”
Parent: “So you would feel better if I didn’t ask you where you are going and what you are going to do. Is that right?”
Braxton: “Yah, I would. It feels like you are always looking over my shoulder.”
Parent: “I think I see what you mean. What could you do to help me not ask those questions?”
Braxton: “Hmm, I guess I could tell you my plans whenever I go out, then you would have no need to ask.”
Parent: “Sounds like a great Idea. I think it will work. It means that I will have to break the habit of always asking those questions. I’ve been doing it since you were little. I may need your help to break that habit. Maybe you could remind me without saying a word.”
Braxton: “Yah, Maybe I could wave and smile when I hear you say ‘where’ or ‘what’ so you’ll remember to not ask those questions.”
Parent: “What could I do if you forget to tell me?”
Braxton: “You could look at me and touch your head or write a question mark in the air then I’ll remember to tell you my plans. You won’t have to ask.”
Parent: “I like this plan. Do you want to try it?”
Braxton: “yah, let’s go for it.”
Key points to remember in a heart to heart talk are:
1. Take the blame for the problem first. Put it on your shoulders, not the child’s.
2. Learn how the child feels about the problem.
3. Ask for the child’s help so you will be successful in the changes you will make.
4. Agree on a plan of action to resolve the problem.
5. Thank the child for the help he or she will give to help you.
6. Make a plan for the time one of you may forget.