“When you solve a problem for a child, you help him through his day. When you teach a child to solve his own problems, you help him through his life. . .”*
By the very nature of parenting, parents must be responsible for their kids. Without a plan to teach their children to take responsibility for their own actions and solve their own problems, parents must assume this responsibility indefinitely.
Notice the word “take”, in the previous sentence. Taking responsibility is empowering and motivating while being given responsibility is a chore. One way parents can teach their children to take responsibility for their own actions and solve their own problems is teaching it purposefully; Making each problem a problem-solving experience for the child.
For example; Five year old Jeni comes to the kitchen table, she reaches up and grabs a pitcher of syrup. She tries to pour the syrup on a pancake on her plate which is at the edge of the table between her and the syrup. The syrup misses her plate and pours down the front of her and onto the floor. Her parent rushes to the table and grabs the pitcher.
A Common parent response might be, “Look what you’ve done! You’ve spilled the syrup all over the floor and all over yourself! You need to get someone to help you when you need something from the table! Now we will have to clean you up and clean the floor.” What is wrong with this response?
Two things are wrong: First, this common response told Jeni something she already knew; “she spilled the syrup” This is a “Put down” for Jeni like it is for anyone who is told something they already know. Second, the parent gave the responsibility to Jeni for getting help when she needs something from the table. This becomes a chore for Jeni, and she will not be motivated to do it.
Now let’s look at an uncommon response teaching Jeni to solve her own problems.
Uncommon response: “Jeni, what happened?”
Jeni: “I needed some syrup. But it slipped and I got it all over me.”
Uncommon response: “Did you like the way that turned out?”
Jeni: “No, I am all sticky.”
Uncommon response: “What can you do next time you need something from the table?
Jeni: “I can get someone to help me.” (Bingo! Jeni is taking the responsibility to get help when she needs something from the table. Likely she’ll do it. It is her idea and her plan)
Uncommon response: “Do you think it will work better for you if you do that next time.”
Jeni: “Yah.”
Uncommon response: “I’m sure it will. Now let’s get you cleaned up.”
Notice the common response told Jeni to get help when she needed something from the table. This gave responsibility to Jeni and gave Jeni a parental solution to her problem.
The uncommon response helped Jeni understand her action and how it created the bad outcome. The questions in this response also helped Jeni judge the value of her action and guided Jeni in developing a plan of action, her plan; one she chose, that would work out better for her next time.
Notice also in the uncommon response, Jeni owned the bad action. This gave her power to change what she did which will change the outcome next time.
The uncommon response is called “The Positive Correction Procedure”. The acronym, Mr A J Dap, helps parents consistently follow the procedures that teach children to solve their own problems. Let’s see what Mr A J Dap means:
MR = Meet Responsibly. Meet responsibly with the child who has the problem. To meet responsibly means the parent makes certain to have 5 elements in place; 1) 0ne to one, 2) away from distractions, 3) within 3ft. of each other, 4) same eye level and 5) no one is up-set.
A = Action. Hear from the child what she did that contributed to the problem.
J = Judge that action. Ask, “Did you like the way it turned out?” (The child must judge.)
DAP = Develop A Plan. Ask, “What could you do differently?” (The child makes a plan.)
Often problems develop between siblings. Then each child receives a Positive correction procedure with the parent to resolve the action he or she did that contributed to the problem.
In a Positive Correction Procedure, after the parent has put the 5 elements in place for “Meeting Responsibly”, the first question a parent would ask is, “What were you doing?” The first answer the child will predictably give will be blaming someone or something else for causing the problem. The parent should not accept a **blaming statement but should ask the same question over until the child gives an honest answer to that question. An honest answer must include an action he or she did that contributed to the problem. Then the parent asks. “Did you like the way it turned out?” Kids rarely do. Then ask, “What could you do differently so it would turn out better for you?” Listen and encourage the child as you hear his or her new plan for success. (Helpful hint; when more than one child is involved don’t try to find out who started it. This only teaches them to be better blamers.)
Next time your child or children have problems, try this procedure. You will be pleased with the results and you will be teaching your children to solve their own problems.
* How to be a Parent in 3 Easy Steps 1984, Back cover
**When parents act on blaming statements, they, inadvertently, teach their children to blame.
More examples of Mr A J Dap procedures can be found in “Three Steps to Success in Parenting and in Life” By
Derold “De” Bates .Ed.S. See Step 3; Enjoy the Journey, p 26-37 ;